Year Five
I never thought, I'd be sitting here, reliving the past year the way I am about to. I never thought, when He and I got back together, that the things that happened after would be something I would endure.
When we got back together, the first couple of months... Weren't all that bad. Physically. We were probably the most intimate with eachother at that time than we had ever been before. But that wasn't repairing the broken pieces of our marriage.
At the end of July I told him I needed new pregnancy clothes, because all mine from our daughter were for summer, I had nothing for fall and winter. He told me it wasn't his job. And that clothes were not a 'need' item. That if I needed them, I needed to get off my ass and get a job, because it wasn't his job to buy the things I needed. I became afraid to even ask for shampoo, because I was afraid I would be told I wasn't allowed to buy it. Because when I said I needed shaving cream one time, I got the same 'get a job' response. He even told me, that if I couldn't afford it I could just wear shorts. I liked the cold after all, so why not?
It snows in Idaho, in case anyone knows. And because I am in the future, I can tell those who don't live here that this past winter was the coldest, heaviest snow we've had in a decade. If not more. But no, I could wear shorts right...
I actually, at one point was sexting a girl myself, and I gave her his number and sent her to him to try and 'surprise' him. Sure, part of me thought it was fun. I am bi myself, so sexting a girl was interesting to me. Though for me it still felt like cheating. But I figured if I had control over it, it wouldn't be such a big issue with the two of them talking to eachother, we would essentially be doing it together.
It was like rewarding him with that, changed his mood and he showed more interest in me. But the emotion was still so lacking on his end. He got mad when I said no to doing a threesome with her and her husband, because truth be told, I wasn't into that. I wasn't into sharing and I didn't want to be touched by another person. It wasn;t something I was ok with, he kept trying to pressure me into it. Saying I only had to do it once.
But see, the thing was she and her husband wanted me to have it with them first. He wouldn't even be there, and he was ok with it. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he got mad because I wasn't willing to put myself out one time to have her come and furfill his fantasy. I felt completely pressured. The more I said no, the less interest he showed.
She actually messaged me screenshots one day, from him trying to convince her to go for a drive and 'let things happen' one day. The girl, honestly, she was sweet. She knew, what I tolerated and didn't and when he did that she immediately reached out to me to fix the situation. I was hurt that he was doing that again, and when I confronted him on it it turned into a whole big thing because I 'didn't trust him' and he was just messing around.
He had actually got fired from big lots at the end of July. And started again at albertsons, but that job didn't last long. He then switched over to walmart on nights. And that is when things, quickly went downhill.
He worked the 2pm-11pm shifts. He wouldn't get home till 12-1230 and he would hop right on the headset and start gaming until close to 4 in the morning. Our daughter still coslept with me, and if she woke him up he would get mad. There was one time he took her and roughly put her on the floor because she wouldn't stop crying, and he got mad when I took over because he was handling it and I was 'intervening to make him look like he couldn't handle it.'
He usually wouldn't wake up till 1130, my oldest would have school from 12-3, so most days he didn't even see his dad. And when he did he was always made to be in his room, and if he didn't listen he got spanked.
He would take him to school for me most days, only after complaining because it was cutting into his 'him' time before work. He didn't even interact with our daughter who was home, he just hopped right back on to play video games. Most of the time he was on the headset, so it was like he wasn't even there.
If I ever complained, I was being controlling. One of his friends had actually talked to me a few times. And not in a good friendly manner. He told me I was being controlling and a ball and chain, and that maybe if I put out more or 'sucked more dick' he wouldn't be cheating on me. He called me names, and told me I was trapping him with kids. My husband did at one point tell him to stop, but he usually always agreed with what he said, or said he was entitled to his opinion.
So, lets back track real fast, because around this time a person from the past comes into play again. After Missy happened, I told him I didn't want him talking to her. Now because I confronted her about trying to sleep with my husband (I was nice about it, but I told her her morals were all messed up and that he was a known married man with a pregnant wife at home and what she did was equally as bad as him because she KNEW). Anyway, his friend Chase's wife (Missy's sister) said I wasn't allowed near her house anymore because I verbally attacked her sister. And that I was in the wrong and she saw nothing wrong with what her sister did. And the messed up part, he agreed with her. He said I was in the wrong, not her.
Well the issue at hand, they never stopped talking. A few times I saw his phone and he was texting her any time we fought saying he missed her. Wanted to buy her birthday gifts, wanted to see her. Etc etc.He apologized every time, and said it meant nothing. I caught him a few times before November, going and picking her up from work and taking her home.
In November, he said that a friend asked him to come help on his car. I got a weird feeling from it. He was gone for four hours and he wasn't answering my texts at all. I went onto our phone account and found the number the next day and called it, a woman picked up. So I had my friend call and find out who it was. It was Missy.
When I confronted him he said he knew if he said it was her, that I would have bitched and not let him go (no shit?). That she needed a friend to talk to, and that because she was on probation, she had no one and he was the only one that was talking to her.
We fought hard about that. He thought he was in the right. I was sick of being lied to. We talked about our agreements coming back and how not talking to her was one of them. He commented on how the open relationship with sexting was stupid because it made it not fun anymore. How I was controlling and a snoop, and he was sic of me going into things and using it against him.
Thankfully a couple weeks later they had a falling out. He said she called him a narcissist because he wouldn't leave me and be with her.
I had such trust issues, because when I found out about him going there, I was willing to allow him to be her friend. But I wanted to know how many times they have hung out, what he's lied about and what they have done together. But he refused to answer any of them. He said at least 10 times they had hung out. half being at Chase's house. I only knew of twice because of phone records.
Anytime he wanted to hang out with Chase I immediately became suspicious because he had lied so often and so much to me, that I figured he was lying again. He constantly complained about how he couldn't sext or watch porn because me being okay with it made it less and less fun and he couldn't get off from it anymore. But he also started to not touch me anymore, which raised the tension in the house.
At the end of November, I fell on the ice outside my garage. I had texted him about it while he was at work, saying I was in a lot of pain and being 8 months almost 9 months pregnant I was worried about the baby being ok.
He came home for lunch, and asked for some food and didn't even ask me about it. I reluctantly made him something to eat, barely able to walk, and sat on the couch. I tried not to cry while I sat next to him, tending to the kids. He left and still didn't ask if I was ok. It wasn't until he came home and I asked about going to the ER, and he only cared then because he didn't want to watch our daugher. I had asked him to watch the kids, and to drive me, but he refused to drive me and threw a fit about our daughter because he was trying to play a game and she was just going to cry the entire time.
I ignored him about her, but drove myself to the er. I called my grandma and cried on the phone. I felt so alone.
I was told I had badly bruised the tissues in my hip and that I needed to rest, as soon as the doctor told me that I wanted to cry because I knew that wasn't something I could do. Thankfully at least, the baby was ok.
I came home, and he didn't even ask how it went. He immediately went to bed. I posted about it on facebook, and that's how he found out about it.
At the start of December, I became really depressed. I had a marriage falling apart, and I was fully pregnant. I had a lot of hip issues, and I was in constant pain. My husband never showed concern, he was never affectionate. I commented once to him how he hadn't hugged me in two months, and he said he shouldn't have to hug me to reassure my feelings. And that if I wanted a hug, I should hug him he shouldn't have to hug me. I felt like I was being punished.
The kids, the home, him, everything was so demanding on me that I actually started contemplating suicide. I reached out to him one time when the thoughts were really bad, and he got mad at me and called me stupid and selfish for even thinking of it, because the kids should be reason enough that the thought never enters my brain. I had no one to reach out to near me. I had him, and otherwise I was completely alone and isolated.
I realized I had developed really bad social anxiety from moving to Idaho. A once very outgoing person with tons of friends, and always in the middle of the conversation, it was hard for me to even respond to text messages to people, or answer phone calls. My posts on facebook became depressing and I was silently screaming for help, but I had to be so methodical about it that no one was seeing my cries for help. And anytime I was 'straightforward' about it I got attacked by him and his mom for publicly bashing him to my friends.
Almost every night I silently begged to have my baby. I would think that maybe if I was lucky, I would have him and he'd be perfect. But that I'd have some kind of complication and I wouldn't recover from it. Like bleeding out or otherwise. I started wishing i wouldn't wake up in the morning, because I couldn't bear another day.
I was afraid to tell people about it because I didn't want to be judged. I had so much to live for, sure. My kids being number one. But I was so deep in my pain that I truly felt they would be better off without me. Better off with me gone knowing I was happier, than alive and struggling to be happy every day of my life. I didn't need or want the judgement that came with it. More so being pregnant, people claiming I would want to harm my baby. Which was the only thing stopping me from hurting myself in any form because that was the last thing I wanted. It's why I wanted him out so bad.
Christmas came, and he had at first made it clear, he wasn't getting me anything. He said sales were better after christmas and he'd get me things then. But of course, I had gotten him things. He had always been that way. My family sent money to get the kids gifts, and I made sure to get myself something. I shopped for my own presents that year, because he had no interest and couldn't be bothered. And anytime I bought him something he always begged to open it early, which made me have to buy something else to replace it. He liked the gifts. He didn't want to help with picking things out for the kids either. And a couple days before Christmas he told me he was going to go over the Chase's house for Christmas dinner and I lost it.
I wasn't allowed over there, and he wanted to take the kids. He told me not allowing him to is just hurting them because of my meaningless anger. He wanted me to give up Christmas so my kids and him could spend it with his friends. And Christmas was meaningful to me. It's one of my favorite holidays, one that I always spent with my family. I spent all winter preparing for Christmas. And he wanted to take it from me.
I tried to talk him out of it. But the 'being controlling' factor arose again. And it was nothing but a gigantic fight. So I reluctantly gave in. But I still tried to beg him not to go that day, but he went anyway. I spent the whole time crying alone in my house. It felt so unfair, yet I kept trying to justify it.
It was around that time, that a friend of mine added me to a group on facebook. Breaking Free of Narcissists. At first I was hesitant, I didn't think anything was wrong. I truly thought his behavior was something I could change.
But as I read the posts on there, everything began to make sense to me about the kind of person he was. He was egotistical, he only cared about himself and his own well being. He wasn't affectionate aside from the start of the relationship, and it was because he was love bombing me into his control. He would love bomb after intense fights in order to regain control and as soon as he had it, he would revert back to old ways. Anytime he was caught in the wrong, he would turn the blame on me. I was snooping, so I was at fault, even though he was cheating I was the one in the wrong not him. I was the one that had to apologize, where as he never had to. And when the rare occasion occurred that he did apologize for his behavior, he wasn't ever truly sincere about it.
We fought a lot over lack of affection from him. The suicidal thoughts got worse and worse by the day. The more pain I was in, the more I wanted to ask for help. But any time I did he always told me it wasn't his job. But if I slacked he would always use it against me in a fight and say I am lazy, and don't do anything in my day.
He got upset, when I had to go to weekly appointments for at least an hour because I needed to do non stress tests with the baby, because I couldn't take any kids with me. And that meant he had to be burdened with watching them for me. He would always text me during complaining that I was taking too long.
I actually failed my first glucose test with the baby, which meant I needed to do a 3 hour, which I had to stay there the entire time for. When I mentioned it to him he immediately got mad and annoyed and told me if I did it I had to take our daughter, because he wasn't going to watch her alone for that long.
I turned down taking the test because I couldn't take her with me and be there for that long alone with her. It would be too much for me to handle alone. So my doctor had me down as a possible gestational diabetic, just to be safe. I wasn't too worried as I had cut carbs as it was with my pcos. It was just the scare that it could badly affect the baby and he didn't seem to care much.
On January 11, my doctor called and decided to have me induced that night. He was happy as he was taking his vacation the next day. We didn't have to be there till 9, and I got the call at 5 but he left work early and came home to play games beforehand. We got a sitter, my friend came with her kids to watch our two. And we went to the hospital.
We were told it would take some time. They gave me cervidil, which is a pill they insert near your cervix to soften and dilate it. For a while I didn't feel much, he and I both slept. But around 3 in the morning I started feeling a lot of pain, and the nurse I had at the time wasn't very helpful with me. So I silently endured them. At 7 we had a nurse shift, and the next one was super nice, she would sit with me and breathe and talk me through the contractions. I wasn't allowed to stand up or move, and sitting made everything worse, all I wanted was the tub.
He did wake up at some point and stood next to me and held my hand. He seemed much more supportive than he had last time. And it was a nice change. The doctor came to check me around noon or so, and usually getting checked has never hurt me but the medication had made my cervix very swollen, so I was in intense pain, I remember I probably almost broke his hand, and I was thankful that he didn't seemed phased, and he kept talking to me and telling me it was almost over.
I hadn't dilated. Sorta, the nurse previously thought I was a 3, but when the doctor re checked it didn't seem like I was at all. He said the outter part of my cervix was but the inner wasn't budging. It was like a closed door, and he couldn't even find an opening. He decided to wait a bit and come back and check. By 5 I was in enough pain, and asked for an epidural. The nurse rechecked me and said it felt like I was a 6 so I was able to get one. It was a good thing I did for when the doctor rechecked me later.
He didn't stay in the room for long periods of time. He kept going out and getting food from their fridge and pantry, claiming he was hungry or he was sleeping and not really paying much attention to my needs.
The doctor came in and wanted to check me again, this time he brought his partner with him to see if they could both figure out what was wrong with my cervix. They had previously managed to open it a little and break my water, but when he came back two hours later to check it had closed back up.
They spent an hour trying to open up my cervix, as the outer part was dialated but the inner part of my cervix was scarred closed, and they couldn't find a hole anywhere to pry it open. To them, it didn't make sense because they had managed to open it and break my water, so they were baffled as to what to do and what was going on, they had never seen scarring the way mine was.
A nurse had mentioned to them that I had a leep procedure done and that that was most likely the reasoning behind the scarring. I was devastated when I heard that, knowing that it was probably due to me having sex earlier than I should have.
They talked it over and came back and told me that I most likely needed to have a C-Section done, because they felt that no matter how many times they manage to open my cervix, it was just going to close again as it had done twice previously.
The entire time the doctors were in checking and talking to me he was asleep on the couch, he never once came to my side.
He had actually wanted to leave a few hours before. It was around 4, and he said that things were taking too long. That was when he previously very supportive self started to not be as supportive as he was. He said he wanted to go home, and then have me call when it was time and he'd come back. He said he 'had things to do' which to me didn't make sense, because you didn't have work and I handled everything else.
Around 430, my friend who was watching the kids said that she may have to leave at 6 for a class she had. And that she wasn't sure if she could get out of it. When I told him to help me find a replacement sitter he said he would do it. He asked me to ask a nurse to video tape the birth, he said it wasn't a big deal for him to see because he has seen it already before, so it wouldn't be anything new. He was the same way when I was pregnant, he never even felt this baby kick and he didn't care to feel our daughter either. It was like he had zero interest in my pregnancies or my births.
I managed to convince him to stay and my friend found a way to stay as well, but I was hurt that he didn't even want to be there and he was willing to leave me alone too.
When I found out I was going to have a C-Section, as soon as the doctors left I wanted to cry. He sat up on the bed and asked if I wanted him there, because he'd prefer to go home. I was so hurt and so confused and mad at myself and at him, that I tried to be nice and say he could. Said he didn't like blood so I understood. Where I really wanted to scream at him. I didn't want to be alone. When they came back and asked what size shirt he wore for the operating room we said he was going to go home and check on the kids, I got a side glance from the nurses and the anesthesiologist, I could feel the sympathy because they knew he was all I had here, and I was about to have major surgery alone.
They wheeled me back, and he kissed me and said he loved me. My heart broke. I was scared. The anesthesiologist was so nice to me though, he took my phone and made sure to take a ton of pictures for me. He kept asking if I was ok, and reassuring me with kind words. Telling me every detail of the surgery and letting me know what was coming next. Granted he probably did that with everyone, but being the empath I am I knew he was being extra nice for me.
My blood pressure actually dropped twice during surgery. The second time the doctors were a little worried about it, but with the right meds they managed to get it back to normal, part of me was honestly disappointed because I was still struggling with my depression.
At 7:42 pm, my beautiful, head full of hair, brown eyed baby boy was born. He was 7 lbs, 12 ounces and 19 inches long. And he was as perfect as his siblings.
I left my phone with them, which later I regretted even though it was for pictures, because I had been venting to my friend about him. Which as you'll see, bites me in the end.
They took my son with them and cleaned him up while they finished closing me up and took me to my post partum room, where I fell asleep from the stresses of the day.
When we got back together, the first couple of months... Weren't all that bad. Physically. We were probably the most intimate with eachother at that time than we had ever been before. But that wasn't repairing the broken pieces of our marriage.
At the end of July I told him I needed new pregnancy clothes, because all mine from our daughter were for summer, I had nothing for fall and winter. He told me it wasn't his job. And that clothes were not a 'need' item. That if I needed them, I needed to get off my ass and get a job, because it wasn't his job to buy the things I needed. I became afraid to even ask for shampoo, because I was afraid I would be told I wasn't allowed to buy it. Because when I said I needed shaving cream one time, I got the same 'get a job' response. He even told me, that if I couldn't afford it I could just wear shorts. I liked the cold after all, so why not?
It snows in Idaho, in case anyone knows. And because I am in the future, I can tell those who don't live here that this past winter was the coldest, heaviest snow we've had in a decade. If not more. But no, I could wear shorts right...
I actually, at one point was sexting a girl myself, and I gave her his number and sent her to him to try and 'surprise' him. Sure, part of me thought it was fun. I am bi myself, so sexting a girl was interesting to me. Though for me it still felt like cheating. But I figured if I had control over it, it wouldn't be such a big issue with the two of them talking to eachother, we would essentially be doing it together.
It was like rewarding him with that, changed his mood and he showed more interest in me. But the emotion was still so lacking on his end. He got mad when I said no to doing a threesome with her and her husband, because truth be told, I wasn't into that. I wasn't into sharing and I didn't want to be touched by another person. It wasn;t something I was ok with, he kept trying to pressure me into it. Saying I only had to do it once.
But see, the thing was she and her husband wanted me to have it with them first. He wouldn't even be there, and he was ok with it. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he got mad because I wasn't willing to put myself out one time to have her come and furfill his fantasy. I felt completely pressured. The more I said no, the less interest he showed.
She actually messaged me screenshots one day, from him trying to convince her to go for a drive and 'let things happen' one day. The girl, honestly, she was sweet. She knew, what I tolerated and didn't and when he did that she immediately reached out to me to fix the situation. I was hurt that he was doing that again, and when I confronted him on it it turned into a whole big thing because I 'didn't trust him' and he was just messing around.
He had actually got fired from big lots at the end of July. And started again at albertsons, but that job didn't last long. He then switched over to walmart on nights. And that is when things, quickly went downhill.
He worked the 2pm-11pm shifts. He wouldn't get home till 12-1230 and he would hop right on the headset and start gaming until close to 4 in the morning. Our daughter still coslept with me, and if she woke him up he would get mad. There was one time he took her and roughly put her on the floor because she wouldn't stop crying, and he got mad when I took over because he was handling it and I was 'intervening to make him look like he couldn't handle it.'
He usually wouldn't wake up till 1130, my oldest would have school from 12-3, so most days he didn't even see his dad. And when he did he was always made to be in his room, and if he didn't listen he got spanked.
He would take him to school for me most days, only after complaining because it was cutting into his 'him' time before work. He didn't even interact with our daughter who was home, he just hopped right back on to play video games. Most of the time he was on the headset, so it was like he wasn't even there.
If I ever complained, I was being controlling. One of his friends had actually talked to me a few times. And not in a good friendly manner. He told me I was being controlling and a ball and chain, and that maybe if I put out more or 'sucked more dick' he wouldn't be cheating on me. He called me names, and told me I was trapping him with kids. My husband did at one point tell him to stop, but he usually always agreed with what he said, or said he was entitled to his opinion.
So, lets back track real fast, because around this time a person from the past comes into play again. After Missy happened, I told him I didn't want him talking to her. Now because I confronted her about trying to sleep with my husband (I was nice about it, but I told her her morals were all messed up and that he was a known married man with a pregnant wife at home and what she did was equally as bad as him because she KNEW). Anyway, his friend Chase's wife (Missy's sister) said I wasn't allowed near her house anymore because I verbally attacked her sister. And that I was in the wrong and she saw nothing wrong with what her sister did. And the messed up part, he agreed with her. He said I was in the wrong, not her.
Well the issue at hand, they never stopped talking. A few times I saw his phone and he was texting her any time we fought saying he missed her. Wanted to buy her birthday gifts, wanted to see her. Etc etc.He apologized every time, and said it meant nothing. I caught him a few times before November, going and picking her up from work and taking her home.
In November, he said that a friend asked him to come help on his car. I got a weird feeling from it. He was gone for four hours and he wasn't answering my texts at all. I went onto our phone account and found the number the next day and called it, a woman picked up. So I had my friend call and find out who it was. It was Missy.
When I confronted him he said he knew if he said it was her, that I would have bitched and not let him go (no shit?). That she needed a friend to talk to, and that because she was on probation, she had no one and he was the only one that was talking to her.
We fought hard about that. He thought he was in the right. I was sick of being lied to. We talked about our agreements coming back and how not talking to her was one of them. He commented on how the open relationship with sexting was stupid because it made it not fun anymore. How I was controlling and a snoop, and he was sic of me going into things and using it against him.
Thankfully a couple weeks later they had a falling out. He said she called him a narcissist because he wouldn't leave me and be with her.
I had such trust issues, because when I found out about him going there, I was willing to allow him to be her friend. But I wanted to know how many times they have hung out, what he's lied about and what they have done together. But he refused to answer any of them. He said at least 10 times they had hung out. half being at Chase's house. I only knew of twice because of phone records.
Anytime he wanted to hang out with Chase I immediately became suspicious because he had lied so often and so much to me, that I figured he was lying again. He constantly complained about how he couldn't sext or watch porn because me being okay with it made it less and less fun and he couldn't get off from it anymore. But he also started to not touch me anymore, which raised the tension in the house.
At the end of November, I fell on the ice outside my garage. I had texted him about it while he was at work, saying I was in a lot of pain and being 8 months almost 9 months pregnant I was worried about the baby being ok.
He came home for lunch, and asked for some food and didn't even ask me about it. I reluctantly made him something to eat, barely able to walk, and sat on the couch. I tried not to cry while I sat next to him, tending to the kids. He left and still didn't ask if I was ok. It wasn't until he came home and I asked about going to the ER, and he only cared then because he didn't want to watch our daugher. I had asked him to watch the kids, and to drive me, but he refused to drive me and threw a fit about our daughter because he was trying to play a game and she was just going to cry the entire time.
I ignored him about her, but drove myself to the er. I called my grandma and cried on the phone. I felt so alone.
I was told I had badly bruised the tissues in my hip and that I needed to rest, as soon as the doctor told me that I wanted to cry because I knew that wasn't something I could do. Thankfully at least, the baby was ok.
I came home, and he didn't even ask how it went. He immediately went to bed. I posted about it on facebook, and that's how he found out about it.
At the start of December, I became really depressed. I had a marriage falling apart, and I was fully pregnant. I had a lot of hip issues, and I was in constant pain. My husband never showed concern, he was never affectionate. I commented once to him how he hadn't hugged me in two months, and he said he shouldn't have to hug me to reassure my feelings. And that if I wanted a hug, I should hug him he shouldn't have to hug me. I felt like I was being punished.
The kids, the home, him, everything was so demanding on me that I actually started contemplating suicide. I reached out to him one time when the thoughts were really bad, and he got mad at me and called me stupid and selfish for even thinking of it, because the kids should be reason enough that the thought never enters my brain. I had no one to reach out to near me. I had him, and otherwise I was completely alone and isolated.
I realized I had developed really bad social anxiety from moving to Idaho. A once very outgoing person with tons of friends, and always in the middle of the conversation, it was hard for me to even respond to text messages to people, or answer phone calls. My posts on facebook became depressing and I was silently screaming for help, but I had to be so methodical about it that no one was seeing my cries for help. And anytime I was 'straightforward' about it I got attacked by him and his mom for publicly bashing him to my friends.
Almost every night I silently begged to have my baby. I would think that maybe if I was lucky, I would have him and he'd be perfect. But that I'd have some kind of complication and I wouldn't recover from it. Like bleeding out or otherwise. I started wishing i wouldn't wake up in the morning, because I couldn't bear another day.
I was afraid to tell people about it because I didn't want to be judged. I had so much to live for, sure. My kids being number one. But I was so deep in my pain that I truly felt they would be better off without me. Better off with me gone knowing I was happier, than alive and struggling to be happy every day of my life. I didn't need or want the judgement that came with it. More so being pregnant, people claiming I would want to harm my baby. Which was the only thing stopping me from hurting myself in any form because that was the last thing I wanted. It's why I wanted him out so bad.
Christmas came, and he had at first made it clear, he wasn't getting me anything. He said sales were better after christmas and he'd get me things then. But of course, I had gotten him things. He had always been that way. My family sent money to get the kids gifts, and I made sure to get myself something. I shopped for my own presents that year, because he had no interest and couldn't be bothered. And anytime I bought him something he always begged to open it early, which made me have to buy something else to replace it. He liked the gifts. He didn't want to help with picking things out for the kids either. And a couple days before Christmas he told me he was going to go over the Chase's house for Christmas dinner and I lost it.
I wasn't allowed over there, and he wanted to take the kids. He told me not allowing him to is just hurting them because of my meaningless anger. He wanted me to give up Christmas so my kids and him could spend it with his friends. And Christmas was meaningful to me. It's one of my favorite holidays, one that I always spent with my family. I spent all winter preparing for Christmas. And he wanted to take it from me.
I tried to talk him out of it. But the 'being controlling' factor arose again. And it was nothing but a gigantic fight. So I reluctantly gave in. But I still tried to beg him not to go that day, but he went anyway. I spent the whole time crying alone in my house. It felt so unfair, yet I kept trying to justify it.
It was around that time, that a friend of mine added me to a group on facebook. Breaking Free of Narcissists. At first I was hesitant, I didn't think anything was wrong. I truly thought his behavior was something I could change.
But as I read the posts on there, everything began to make sense to me about the kind of person he was. He was egotistical, he only cared about himself and his own well being. He wasn't affectionate aside from the start of the relationship, and it was because he was love bombing me into his control. He would love bomb after intense fights in order to regain control and as soon as he had it, he would revert back to old ways. Anytime he was caught in the wrong, he would turn the blame on me. I was snooping, so I was at fault, even though he was cheating I was the one in the wrong not him. I was the one that had to apologize, where as he never had to. And when the rare occasion occurred that he did apologize for his behavior, he wasn't ever truly sincere about it.
We fought a lot over lack of affection from him. The suicidal thoughts got worse and worse by the day. The more pain I was in, the more I wanted to ask for help. But any time I did he always told me it wasn't his job. But if I slacked he would always use it against me in a fight and say I am lazy, and don't do anything in my day.
He got upset, when I had to go to weekly appointments for at least an hour because I needed to do non stress tests with the baby, because I couldn't take any kids with me. And that meant he had to be burdened with watching them for me. He would always text me during complaining that I was taking too long.
I actually failed my first glucose test with the baby, which meant I needed to do a 3 hour, which I had to stay there the entire time for. When I mentioned it to him he immediately got mad and annoyed and told me if I did it I had to take our daughter, because he wasn't going to watch her alone for that long.
I turned down taking the test because I couldn't take her with me and be there for that long alone with her. It would be too much for me to handle alone. So my doctor had me down as a possible gestational diabetic, just to be safe. I wasn't too worried as I had cut carbs as it was with my pcos. It was just the scare that it could badly affect the baby and he didn't seem to care much.
On January 11, my doctor called and decided to have me induced that night. He was happy as he was taking his vacation the next day. We didn't have to be there till 9, and I got the call at 5 but he left work early and came home to play games beforehand. We got a sitter, my friend came with her kids to watch our two. And we went to the hospital.
We were told it would take some time. They gave me cervidil, which is a pill they insert near your cervix to soften and dilate it. For a while I didn't feel much, he and I both slept. But around 3 in the morning I started feeling a lot of pain, and the nurse I had at the time wasn't very helpful with me. So I silently endured them. At 7 we had a nurse shift, and the next one was super nice, she would sit with me and breathe and talk me through the contractions. I wasn't allowed to stand up or move, and sitting made everything worse, all I wanted was the tub.
He did wake up at some point and stood next to me and held my hand. He seemed much more supportive than he had last time. And it was a nice change. The doctor came to check me around noon or so, and usually getting checked has never hurt me but the medication had made my cervix very swollen, so I was in intense pain, I remember I probably almost broke his hand, and I was thankful that he didn't seemed phased, and he kept talking to me and telling me it was almost over.
I hadn't dilated. Sorta, the nurse previously thought I was a 3, but when the doctor re checked it didn't seem like I was at all. He said the outter part of my cervix was but the inner wasn't budging. It was like a closed door, and he couldn't even find an opening. He decided to wait a bit and come back and check. By 5 I was in enough pain, and asked for an epidural. The nurse rechecked me and said it felt like I was a 6 so I was able to get one. It was a good thing I did for when the doctor rechecked me later.
He didn't stay in the room for long periods of time. He kept going out and getting food from their fridge and pantry, claiming he was hungry or he was sleeping and not really paying much attention to my needs.
The doctor came in and wanted to check me again, this time he brought his partner with him to see if they could both figure out what was wrong with my cervix. They had previously managed to open it a little and break my water, but when he came back two hours later to check it had closed back up.
They spent an hour trying to open up my cervix, as the outer part was dialated but the inner part of my cervix was scarred closed, and they couldn't find a hole anywhere to pry it open. To them, it didn't make sense because they had managed to open it and break my water, so they were baffled as to what to do and what was going on, they had never seen scarring the way mine was.
A nurse had mentioned to them that I had a leep procedure done and that that was most likely the reasoning behind the scarring. I was devastated when I heard that, knowing that it was probably due to me having sex earlier than I should have.
They talked it over and came back and told me that I most likely needed to have a C-Section done, because they felt that no matter how many times they manage to open my cervix, it was just going to close again as it had done twice previously.
The entire time the doctors were in checking and talking to me he was asleep on the couch, he never once came to my side.
He had actually wanted to leave a few hours before. It was around 4, and he said that things were taking too long. That was when he previously very supportive self started to not be as supportive as he was. He said he wanted to go home, and then have me call when it was time and he'd come back. He said he 'had things to do' which to me didn't make sense, because you didn't have work and I handled everything else.
Around 430, my friend who was watching the kids said that she may have to leave at 6 for a class she had. And that she wasn't sure if she could get out of it. When I told him to help me find a replacement sitter he said he would do it. He asked me to ask a nurse to video tape the birth, he said it wasn't a big deal for him to see because he has seen it already before, so it wouldn't be anything new. He was the same way when I was pregnant, he never even felt this baby kick and he didn't care to feel our daughter either. It was like he had zero interest in my pregnancies or my births.
I managed to convince him to stay and my friend found a way to stay as well, but I was hurt that he didn't even want to be there and he was willing to leave me alone too.
When I found out I was going to have a C-Section, as soon as the doctors left I wanted to cry. He sat up on the bed and asked if I wanted him there, because he'd prefer to go home. I was so hurt and so confused and mad at myself and at him, that I tried to be nice and say he could. Said he didn't like blood so I understood. Where I really wanted to scream at him. I didn't want to be alone. When they came back and asked what size shirt he wore for the operating room we said he was going to go home and check on the kids, I got a side glance from the nurses and the anesthesiologist, I could feel the sympathy because they knew he was all I had here, and I was about to have major surgery alone.
They wheeled me back, and he kissed me and said he loved me. My heart broke. I was scared. The anesthesiologist was so nice to me though, he took my phone and made sure to take a ton of pictures for me. He kept asking if I was ok, and reassuring me with kind words. Telling me every detail of the surgery and letting me know what was coming next. Granted he probably did that with everyone, but being the empath I am I knew he was being extra nice for me.
My blood pressure actually dropped twice during surgery. The second time the doctors were a little worried about it, but with the right meds they managed to get it back to normal, part of me was honestly disappointed because I was still struggling with my depression.
At 7:42 pm, my beautiful, head full of hair, brown eyed baby boy was born. He was 7 lbs, 12 ounces and 19 inches long. And he was as perfect as his siblings.
I left my phone with them, which later I regretted even though it was for pictures, because I had been venting to my friend about him. Which as you'll see, bites me in the end.
They took my son with them and cleaned him up while they finished closing me up and took me to my post partum room, where I fell asleep from the stresses of the day.
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