Year Three

End of July we started wanting to try for a baby. We hadn't been using any kind of protection pretty much our entire relationship and I had been off birth control for over a year at that point. In August, I had two cycles and something felt wrong so I went to the OBGYN. In September he ran some tests, and found that I wasn't producing progesterone the way that I should. I also had an abnormal papsmear and a biopsy found mild grade HPV cells. He said we would just retest in 6 months, and offered for me to take Clomid, a fertility drug, to help me get pregnant. 

At the start of November I had to start taking the pills. I had told him previously that we needed to have sex every other day for 8 days for the best chances. He joked about watching porn and part of me was afraid that he wouldn't commit. Our sex life at that point was fine, so I wasn't too worried but the pills alone made my hormones crazy, I didn't want to have to do multiple rounds. Plus my insurance ran out and I was afraid he wouldn't want to spend the 10$ for the pills. 

I will probably NEVER forget the first night, because I sometimes re live it as a nightmare. He had work the next day, super early in the morning. And I had gotten Natus to bed. I had taken an ovulation test that morning that had come back ultra positive, and I told Kody that today was our best chances. 

He was playing Civilization on the computer as I was watching family guy on the couch, the two were next to each other. And around 10, I mentioned that it was getting late and we still needed to 'do the deed' so to speak. He said he knew and that it wasn't a big deal. About an hour later he got up and said he was tired and going to bed. I spoke up and mentioned it and he said that one day wouldn't hurt me and that we would tomorrow after work. I got upset and started crying (because you know, hormones right) and he got mad and stormed off to the room.

I proceeded to text him and told him I had forewarned him a week in advance. That he knew all day and waited until now and still was saying no. And that I didn't feel like he wanted this as much as I did. We fought over text, him in the room, me crying on the couch. 

He suddenly came out of the room and pulled me off the couch and laid me next to his computer. He pushed my shorts aside and had sex with me, while I cried. When he finished he said 'there happy now?' and stomped to the room and slammed the door shut. 

I got up and laid on the couch and cried to myself. He had never been that rough and unemotional with me before. i questioned if this was worth it.

He woke the next morning as if nothing bad happened. And I didn't bring it up again. He was a little gentler the next times, but I still had to push him as he kept making excuses to not have sex. 

The two week wait came. And I was impatient. I was about 9 days past ovulation and I had gotten a positive test. I woke him up, excited, to show him. I expected one of those happy and emotional moments you share with your spouse, hugging and everything. Instead he said well test again in the morning and rolled back over and went back to sleep.

I was hurt. I wanted to share the excitement. But it didn't seem like he was excited the way I was. I retested in the morning, same result. A big fat positive. I showed him and he said he wouldn't believe it until a doctor confirmed it. I explained that they would test the same way I just did and the result wouldn't be different, I was pregnant. We were having a baby. He was still in denial.

Even when a doctor did confirm it for me, the next week he showed no ounce of excitement. I was telling all my family so that we could announce it on facebook, and he waited days to tell his family. He told me that he told his dad that he didn't use a condom and it happened. He didn't tell him we were trying, or any of the issues that arose. Just that the baby was an 'accident'. 

In December we got an eviction notice from the place we were living. It had black mold on the windows and when we complained they responded with a 30 day notice to vacate. We managed to find a place we could get into in time, but we had to rent out the third bedroom to one of his friends, Brent to be able to afford the place. 

The first week there, Kody and I were playing nerf guns with our son who accidentally shot him in the face with a dart. Kody reacted by putting his fist through the wall by the bathroom. Later, during our divorce proceedings he actually claimed that was a 'normal human reaction'. Which, if it were, the world would be a pretty messed up place full of way more violence than it already is. 

I had a few ultrasounds, and Kody showed a degree of interest, but not much of it. Brent was living with us and he was the only one helping me take out the trash in the house. Kody wasn't helping with much anymore. And I was pregnant and working. My knee, I have plica syndrome so the tendon in my left knee are messed up, was acting up a lot and I was having a lot of pelvic pains and hip issues. But I wasn't given much help. And as the months in the pregnancy progressed the pains got worse and worse. 

We stopped being intimate with eachother. I started sleeping on the couch in the living room and there were a few times I'd wake up and find him watching porn on the computer next to me. And sometimes accidentally walk in on him watching it in the room. I became suspicious of his actions again, and I went through his emails. I found that he was responding to ads on craigslist again, and was even doing it two weeks after we got married and even a week before. 

I went on craigslist and found a post in the men for women section. It had a picture, and given I know what his lower region looks like I knew who it was that posted it. It also had our sheets from our bed, and they were orange and not many people have orange sheets. 

Kody was at work when I found it. And Brent was home and he came out and saw I was upset and asked about it and I told him what I had found. It wasn't the only posting he had put up. He had also put up a couple asking for roadhead and a handjob. I didn't know what to think. Here I was, pregnant and married barely a year and my husband was cyberly cheating on me. 

I confronted him on it through text while he was at work and he got defensive and said it wasn't him. Then he said it was and that he never posted it, he suggested that maybe someone got ahold of his picture and posted it to try and stir things up with me.

Finally when I wasn't falling for his shit, he admitted it was him that posted it. And he promised to take it down. 

A couple days later I went back through his email. He had been on his phone a lot, hiding things, spending more time in the shower than usual, or even getting dressed for work. He also wasn't texting me back as often as he usually did at work but he'd always say work was slow. 

I found emails between him and some girl in france. He had been sending her pictures of him, calling her pet names, even talking about how they skyped together a couple times and she masturbated on camera for him. 

I was disgusted, and felt so betrayed. I wrote him a letter explaining what I had found. I told him he had an addiction to porn and sexting and that he needed help. I said it was either we go to couples counseling or I wanted a divorce. I couldn't take being lied to anymore, I was too hurt and my trust was beyond shattered. 

I put the letter on the mirror of the bathroom and went to sleep on the couch waiting for him to wake up and read it. I heard him start the shower and take one, then he came out and 'woke' me up. He was dressed for work so I expected the worst.

He started crying and saying he was sorry. He admitted he had a problem and agreed to go to counseling with me. He told me I was his light to his darkness and that he didn't want to ever lose me because he loved me too much. 

I wasn't what I expected to hear from him. Usually I was always attacked for snooping through his things, before he ever would apologize for giving me a reason to snoop. He told me he called out of work, claiming I was bleeding and that he needed to have proof so we faked a hospital trip. 

I called and scheduled to see a counselor the next day. And by the following week we were seeing him, Carl was his name. He was really nice. We expressed what the issues have been from the start. The lack of help, the cheating. Carl gave us some tools, like using I messages to try and help better tell the other person and feelings and needs.

I felt good leaving the first couple sessions but then he told me that he didn't like it and thought it was useless. I told him we needed to keep trying because i thought good could come from it. He kept on with the weekly visits but he didn't agree that it would fix anything. And for the most part, it didn't. He still wouldn't touch me. He told me at one point that me being pregnant turned him off, even though I was fully pregnant with our oldest and he had no issues. 

I still caught him watching porn every now and again, but he started getting better about hiding it. Towards the end of July, I was getting close to my due date of August 3, he had already taken his vacation (which was set to start August 1) and his dad was planning on flying out for a few days on the 31. He kept growing impatient, and getting annoyed that I was still pregnant. Not like the cute, I want to meet my baby annoyed. Just that he didn't want to be back at work when she came because it would interrupt his sleep. Literally that was his excuse that he had. 

So I started trying to do everything I could to induce labor, but nothing was working. I told him I could try and do castor oil, but that it could pose harm to her making her poop in utero, which could kill her if I didn't go into labor. He convinced me to do it anyway. So on the night of the 30, I took some and went into early labor the next morning. He was excited at work and immediately rushed home and packed me up and went to the hospital. 

But he wasn't the supportive husband I hoped he'd be. He slept, or he sat and watched tv the whole time. Sure he stayed by me if I was in the labor tub, but he wouldn't rub my back, or hold my hand. I felt completely alone with my pains. I decided when I was about 5 centimeters to get an epidural even though it wasn't my plan, purely because I couldn't do the pain alone. I needed someone, and I had no one there. 

When I was in the bed, waiting to get the epidural, he started flirting with me. He told me he thought it would be hot if I gave him a handjob in the room, because it's a new place. I was in pain, obviously, and sexually deprived as he hadn't touched me in almost a month. But he wanted me to get him off. I kept telling him no, but he kept begging. And I knew from the past that if I didn't do it, he would hold it over me. So between contractions I reluctantly pleased him. He thought it was the hottest thing ever, where I felt used. 

Around 7 that night, I felt the urge to push and soon after our daughter was born. I again, hoped for a teary, kissing your wife kind of reaction from him. He smiled sure. But he mostly just stood by my side and didn't hug or kiss me. And didn't even really touch her. 

They cleaned her up and I immediately latched her onto me to eat. where she sat for a good hour and a half. He was gone the whole time. He claimed to be making phone calls to people, which he felt the need to leave the room to do, so I spent the first hour and a half alone with our daughter. At least she and I were bonding.

He finally came back and go to hold her for the first time when she was done and they took her to be bathed and I could shower. 

When they brought her back, he told me he was going to go home and shower and sleep. Even though we had someone with our oldest that could watch him all night Kody said he would be more comfortable at home. I wanted him to stay, but he insisted on leaving and I couldn't fight the issue. I tried to tell myself his reasons were just.

Around 3 or so in the morning, his dad stopped by to see me and our daughter, he showed more excitement than Kody did meeting her. She at the time looked so much like him, his lips and his fingers. Spider legs I liked to call them. And she was so quiet and peaceful. She was a momma's girl from the start though because she wanted nothing more than to cuddle with me all night long. One more night at the hospital and we brought her home.