Blackened

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I never thought, I'd be sitting here, reliving the past year the way I am about to. I never thought, when He and I got back together, that the things that happened after would be something I would endure. When we got back together, the first couple of months... Weren't all that bad. Physically. We were probably the most intimate with eachother at that time than we had ever been before. But that wasn't repairing the broken pieces of our marriage. At the end of July I told him I needed new pregnancy clothes, because all mine from our daughter were for summer, I had nothing for fall and winter. He told me it wasn't his job. And that clothes were not a 'need' item. That if I needed them, I needed to get off my ass and get a job, because it wasn't his job to buy the things I needed. I became afraid to even ask for shampoo, because I was afraid I would be told I wasn't allowed to buy it. Because when I said I needed shaving cream one time, I got the same ...

When I came home from having our daughter, I didn't get a break. The house was unkept. No one had done any of the dishes, trash was pilled at the door. Laundry wasn't done, floors weren't mopped. I had cleaned the house before going to the hospital, and I was only gone for 2 days, and I came home to a disaster. I was embarrassed that his dad had to see the house that way, I usually am so clean. And because in the past he has held the cleanliness of the home against me, I felt that I needed to clean because I was worried I would be ridiculed later for it.  So I was 3 days after having a baby, and I was deep cleaning my house. I even took out two loads of trash, down the stairs mind you. I was in so much pain. But I felt that I needed to. He didn't even offer to help. He said I should stop, and when I asked if he was going to do it for me, he said he was tired because he had 'issues' sleeping while I was at the hospital. And that now that our daughter was home,...

End of July we started wanting to try for a baby. We hadn't been using any kind of protection pretty much our entire relationship and I had been off birth control for over a year at that point. In August, I had two cycles and something felt wrong so I went to the OBGYN. In September he ran some tests, and found that I wasn't producing progesterone the way that I should. I also had an abnormal papsmear and a biopsy found mild grade HPV cells. He said we would just retest in 6 months, and offered for me to take Clomid, a fertility drug, to help me get pregnant.  At the start of November I had to start taking the pills. I had told him previously that we needed to have sex every other day for 8 days for the best chances. He joked about watching porn and part of me was afraid that he wouldn't commit. Our sex life at that point was fine, so I wasn't too worried but the pills alone made my hormones crazy, I didn't want to have to do multiple rounds. Plus my insurance ra...

On September 14, he asked me to be with him again. I was reluctant at first, but also happy. I said ok on the condition that he makes changes. I wasn't going to live how I was before. It'll just ruin us again.  He insisted we be engaged again, he had actually proposed on April Fools day before he left me. I was hesitant on being engaged again without knowing he for sure was changing his ways. But he insisted so I agreed.  We moved him into my moms house, as the housing assistance he was getting, he defaulted from when my son and I moved out. And we couldn't afford the apartment on our own. I was excited and happy to have him back. He would surprise me, for the first few months, with random sweet messages. He would randomly pick up flowers every payday and bring them home to me. He'd stop and buy treats and say he was just thinking of me. We started to play DND together with friends and we were in a really good spot. Probably the best one we have and would have ev...